Lord Andrei's Blog

I love the idea of blogging. I love having a platform to stand on. It’s my place, my words, my ideas, my philosophies; It’s my ball, that I can take home when I will.

In the wise yet untested words of The Doctor,

“Am I an old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed? Left-handed? A gambler? A fighter? A coward? A traitor, a liar, a nervous wreck? I mean, judging by the evidence, I’ve certainly got a gob.”

So why do I post with such forthright interest and intent and then walk away for weeks or months at a time? Honestly, as I type this introduction I don’t have an answer. I do have some theories and speculations percolating; however, these could merely be excuses rather than a deeper understanding.

So, for anyone who bothers reading this (assuming I let anyone other than myself read it) you will be asked to accept a few things that happen on occasion in my posts.

1) This is written in the voice I speak in; not the voice that is used for written posts.

What this means is that I am going to write what I think, not for format. There will be sentence fragments, poor use of written punctuation fitting a written post, and occasional things left dangling more than occasional participles.

2) I will make effort to ignore the first item from time-to-time and write as if I cared about how it looks on the page.

What this means is that I will embellish, rewrite, run things through grammar and spell checkers, and do many things to try to reduce the lack of faith I and others have in my intelligence and measured solely by my writing quality.

Yes, I was one of those kids who cursed a B- that was graded down solely for the grammar and spelling especially when informed that it would have been an A+ paper for the content if the grammar hadn’t gotten in the way.

3) Unlike a lot of my writing there is no planned out organization in advance of my thoughts. I will write until I am content or bored. There is no outline for this post nor is there an expected narrative, nor (Crap linked negatives, stay with me here) intended direction. I’m just hoping for insight into my posting morass.

4) This trip is like driving cross country without a map, GPS, or asking directions.

What this means is that I’m going to let my ADHD out in its fullest so there will be digressions, side trips, and getting very lost.

Okay, rules are in place. They aren’t for you; they are for me. To reassure me that there aren’t any seat-belts and the car is full of gas.

I’m full of ideas.. I’m full of opinions… Why do I post with great intent and then walk away.

Digression the first… not the last… and probably not to be counted further.

Normally, I find myself most wanting to post when I am emotionally attached (Usually annoyed) enough to be wanting to talk on a topic. And there are plenty of topics I want to rip off about: (Politics, Social Justice, Organizational Dynamics, Media, The Patriarchy vs. Feminism, Stupidity, The Dumbing Down of our Culture, The Engineering of Our Cultures Apathy, Thelema, Fundamentalism, Fundamentalist Thelemics, oh the list goes on)

I also find that when vaguely depressed (which considering all these topics, can be fairly easy) that my desire to write about them gets mixed with sour feelings, apathy, and a general belief that nobody cares (including myself)

Tonight… I find myself neutral. I find myself desiring to write; but having nothing specific to write about. Which seems like a perfect time to turn the magnifying glass on the one thing that annoys me most but doesn’t have me depressed. My own writing.

As mentioned, I love to blog. I love to put the proverbial “It” out in the proverbial “there.” I have high admiration for many people out there who maintain constant media creation. My two highest regards are for “The Ferret” and for “Ken Ray.” Both of them create consistently powerful content. In the case of Ferret, he produces amazing writing. Every time I read his material I feel like running away and hiding. Even the most common things show me someone who lives life as fully as they can while still being a fully relatable human being. I am envious of his writing. Ken Ray has been podcasting as long as I believe people have been using the term podcast. He has a daily show that almost never misses and when it does miss a day he either warns people in advance or throws an announcement on. He may be the first person (not initially a commercial venture) to bring the concept of 5 9s (99.999% uptime) to a podcast.

Digression:

There is a quotation from Aliester Crowley’s ‘Book of the Law’,

“For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.”

For those of a Thelemic bend I will now wax in a manner described as a Centre of Pestilence. To those uninformed of such punishments, I choose to interpret what this means. I do so for me, not you. If you disagree so be it, if you agree, you have to agree for yourself, not because I interpret it that way. 93==YMMV.

This concept of Lust of Result was something that took me a long time to understand and to navigate around. To me, the statement suggests that you do not do things for the recognition of the ends but you focus on the doing. Of course this begs the question, “But what about the idea that the ends justify the means?”

Many people get into blogging for the recognition. Lately I watched and quickly thereafter weaned myself off of a program on the SYFY (which like others I pronounce Siffee) cable station about Cosplaying. The accolade more important than the effort, the love, the pursuit of perfection… the show really wedged me away from the representation shown.

My wish to blog is not based in a desire to be a blogger. I don’t want any recognition for having an awesome blog. I don’t want people to flock to my blog because they heard it’s great for A or B or C or worse… Because it’s the blog that everyone is following. (A slight delay while I ask a friend for a vocabulary word I couldn’t remember) God help me if I cultivate hipsters and please stop me before I become a religious or philosophical icon.

I should point out that neither Ferret nor Ken Ray I believe are bloggers for the sake of being bloggers, I think their content speaks for itself. (Not the first of my potential self contradictions)

I’m trying not to run out of steam already.

So, I want to post; but I don’t want to post because I’m supposed to post. Isn’t that just a recipe for having an excuse not to have an excuse.

In general, I know that I can easily frighten myself off of a post. Partially with audience reaction, or the lack thereof; which is interesting when I think I should be posting for myself.

Now I’m pushing myself to write because I know that if I stop; this post will not get finished at least to a degree of what I want.

I find as I begin to lose steam, I allow distractions to intervene into my writing. Opening up chat conversations, looking up things on the interwebs, or in general losing my place in the writing.

I like Journaling. I like writing my thoughts but I really feel judged; even by me on them.

Let me do a recap.

I want to blog; I admire bloggers who have in my eyes succeeded without compromising what they are doing. I want my words to be what is important not the action of blogging. I want my words to have impact without impacting… Well, hopefully impact because of the thoughts not because I wrote them. (Yeah, that Lust of result thing… it’s a bitch) I want myself not to be scared of what I’m writing; but I don’t want to force myself into a block.

Are we having fun yet?

I think I see a trend. I think I see some things… Not sure what yet. But I think I might come back sooner rather than later… But then again… I probably won’t.

Sha… So, Doctor… Did I make any progress this session?