In the past 12 months, I would say that I have filled out roughly 300 job applications in my field. None have yielded a position.
Looking at job positions today, I felt I should help the younger aspiring engineers by explaining the “HR speak” that they will find in job application requirements in our field.
I suppose I should add that this is satire and that I actually like working in our industry, but I may as well grab the lion by the tail and shake a bit anyways.
Comments are welcome on this including additions, corrections, and suggestions
| What the job spec says | What it means |
|---|---|
| Work closely and effectively with other members of the development team to produce software solutions that satisfy the company’s business requirements. | You will share a cube with 3 other engineers. Whatever we’re hiring you for you will be eol’d within 2 cycles. Learn Javascript. |
| Designing and developing subsystems on major business systems under deadline pressure with minimum supervision. | Big project, small team, weak management, crunch for 15 months during the year |
| Design software components and systems in conjunction with the functional analysts.
These designs may entail the use of industry best practices and methodologies. |
We emply people with no technical ability to design software that you’ll build.
Get it out fast, and don’t expect to see your spouse this week. You’ll fix the bugs in the next release. Maybe. |
| Successful completion of code deliverables within projects. | You will be expected to do your job. |
| Ensuring that code meets specifications. | We will hound you about a bug list composed entirely of the regularly changing feature set. |
| Writing code that is efficient and easily maintainable. | Whoever we hire after your layoff should be able to fix your undocumented code. |
| Testing and debugging own code for the incubation projects and unit testing for regular projects. |
Don’t expect to use QA for your mistakes They are all in India now. |
| Work with members of the QA team to ensure that the software has minimal defects and provides the desired functionality and performance before it is deployed. | Prepare to have an icon colour or missing legal document slip your date and be your fault. Learn how to wield phrases like CNR and postpone that feature. |
| Taking full advantage of OS toolsets. | Okay, we expect you to use the private APIs we tell the developers that we don’t use. |
| Communicating and defending design, requirements,feature set, functionality and limitations of subsystemto team members and development lead. | No one likes a whiner, but you will be questioned about every design and engineering decision you make. |
| Requirements/Qualifications: | |
| Degree in a Computer Science related field. | Can you spell the word, “College” Did you copy your first Worm while in High School |
| Masters Degree in a Computer Science related field. | Have you been jaded by the academic process yet shown the ability to stick with a process that will not yield personal fulfillment |
| PhD. in a Computer Science related field. | Are you ready to see a real paycheck and be bought out against your original altruistic and bohemian morals? Your services to the highest bidder. |
| Minimum of 5 years of related experience. | Did you do this exact job for our competitors in your last position. |
| Experience taking projects from concept to production level code | This is a new project so you’ll be starting from scratch. You also have a 90% chance the project will be EOL’d before version 1.5 |
| Experience working on all phases of a product cycle. | Small team, multiple hats. Lots of meetings. Expect 6 hrs of meetings and then questions why you didn’t code for 8 hrs that day. |
| Experience building scalable online services desirable | Can you write a useful internet app that won’t die when used by more customers than it was designed for? |
| Operational understanding of the software engineering lifecycle and ability to transition from requirements to design to implementation efficiently |
A clear understanding of feature creep, deadlines that are only for you, and sneaking in features that management will never get. |
| Technical skills: | |
| Excellent verbal, written, and interpersonal communication skills. |
An ability to use one syllable words, slowly for Mgmt. to help them think they came up with the idea. |
| Strong C#, SQL, C/C++, client side scripting skill required | We’re so behind schedule we’re not going to ramp you up on our proprietary frameworks. |
| UML, Design Patterns, Inheritance and Encapsulation, Templates |
You should be able to explain, why you need to recode the bad code from scratch. |
| Solid professional experience in object-oriented software design and development |
You should know what class reusability is and why you’ll never get the chance to use this helpful feature. |
| In-depth knowledge of advance language concepts in Java and/or C++ |
Your interview will include minutia that Bjarne Stroustrup would get wrong. |
« Work solicitations. Translation; AGGGGH! OTO is still Agape! »
My personal favorite:
Minimum of 5 years of related experience.
Did you do this exact job for our competitors in your last position.
Oh, if I had a nickle…
Here’s my academia waltz:
Bachelors:
You will be doing grunt work. We don’t expect much from you except hours and hours of your often misdirected time. When you’re done, we’ll be sure to tell you that your code is crap and recommend the obscure programming pattern du jour be used everywhere, even if wholly inappropriate.
Masters:
You will be doing detailed application design based on the current requirements and communicating this to the other programmers. Of course, we will ensure that it is impossible to design anything possessing any sort of elegance or rationale that a whimsical drift in the use cases will not completely obviate if not obliterate.
PhD:
You will direct the entire course of the application life cycle. Despite the fact that you’ve spent most of your adult life in the confines of a computer science lab, you have absolutely no programming experience but will direct everyone as if you did. Here’s your paycheck.
Oh, this is good.
Do you mind if I add it?
Re: Oh, this is good.
It’s yours!
See.. I know nothing about computers and that was still funny.
very funny… I haven’t dealt with HR in years, since I long ago dropped out of the “real job” world, but believe me, I can relate to a lot of that from developing freelance, except most of my clients can’t spell college, and have no concept whatsoever of technical requirements… they just know they need a $5000 / 100 man-hour project completed in 3 days, for $1200, and they won’t send you anything you need to complete the project (because they’re too busy emailing new features they forgot to mention they need) and then they bitch when its not done in 2.
Can we get that icon in cornflower blue?
To be fair, one of these should be written for résumé-speak too 🙂
“Over the years, I have written a few books (including The C++ Programming Language and The Design and Evolution of C++.), written a lot of papers, and given some interviews.“
Ah the cozy “I’ve done a bunch of stuff” candidness and understatement of some folks whose names precede them.
Keep us posted on your dream gig 🙂
Wow, you really nailed it! You should see about getting this published somewhere geeky.