![\"Why](\"http:\/\/www.apolo.net\/spicons\/post060315o.gif\")
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In the past 12 months, I would say that I have filled out roughly 300 job applications in my field. None have yielded a position.<\/p>\n
Looking at job positions today, I felt I should help the younger aspiring engineers by explaining the “HR speak<\/i>” that they will find in job application requirements in our field.<\/p>\n
I suppose I should add that this is satire and that I actually like working in our industry, but I may as well grab the lion by the tail and shake a bit anyways.<\/p>\n
Comments are welcome on this including additions, corrections, and suggestions
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| What the job spec says<\/th>\n | What it means<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Work closely and effectively with other members of the development team to produce software solutions that satisfy the company\u2019s business requirements.<\/td>\n | You will share a cube with 3 other engineers. Whatever we’re hiring you for you will be eol’d within 2 cycles. Learn Javascript.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Designing and developing subsystems on major business systems under deadline pressure with minimum supervision.<\/td>\n | Big project, small team, weak management, crunch for 15 months during the year<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Design software components and systems in conjunction with the functional analysts.<\/p>\n These designs may entail the use of industry best practices and methodologies.<\/td>\n | We emply people with no technical ability to design software that you’ll build.<\/p>\n Get it out fast, and don’t expect to see your spouse this week. You’ll fix the bugs in the next release. Maybe. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Successful completion of code deliverables within projects. <\/td>\n | You will be expected to do your job.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ensuring that code meets specifications. <\/td>\n | We will hound you about a bug list composed entirely of the regularly changing feature set.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Writing code that is efficient and easily maintainable.<\/td>\n | Whoever we hire after your layoff should be able to fix your undocumented code.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Testing and debugging own code for the incubation projects and unit testing for regular projects.<\/td>\n | Don’t expect to use QA for your mistakes They are all in India now.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Work with members of the QA team to ensure that the software has minimal defects and provides the desired functionality and performance before it is deployed.<\/td>\n | Prepare to have an icon colour or missing legal document slip your date and be your fault. Learn how to wield phrases like CNR<\/i> and postpone that feature<\/i>.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Taking full advantage of OS toolsets.<\/td>\n | Okay, we expect you to use the private APIs | we tell the developers that we don’t use.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Communicating and defending design, requirements,feature set, functionality and limitations of subsystemto team members and development lead. <\/td>\n | No one likes a whiner, but you will | be questioned about every design and engineering decision you make.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Requirements\/Qualifications:<\/b><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | Degree in a Computer Science related field.<\/td>\n | Can you spell the word, “College” | Did you copy your first Worm while in High School<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Masters Degree in a Computer Science related field.<\/td>\n | Have you been jaded by the academic process | yet shown the ability to stick with a process that will not yield personal fulfillment<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n PhD. in a Computer Science related field.<\/td>\n | Are you ready to see a real paycheck | and be bought out against your original altruistic and bohemian morals? Your services to the highest bidder.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Minimum of 5 years of related experience.<\/td>\n | Did you do this exact job for | our competitors in your last position.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Experience taking projects from concept to production level code<\/td>\n | This is a new project so you’ll be starting | from scratch. You also have a 90% chance the project will be EOL’d before version 1.5<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Experience working on all phases of a product cycle.<\/td>\n | Small team, multiple hats. Lots of meetings. | Expect 6 hrs of meetings and then questions why you didn’t code for 8 hrs that day.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Experience building scalable online services desirable<\/td>\n | Can you write a useful internet app that won’t die | when used by more customers than it was designed for?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Operational understanding of the software engineering | lifecycle and ability to transition from requirements to design to implementation efficiently<\/td>\n A clear understanding of feature creep, | deadlines that are only for you, and sneaking in features that management will never get.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Technical skills:<\/b><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n | Excellent verbal, written, and | interpersonal communication skills.<\/td>\n An ability to use one syllable words, slowly for | Mgmt. to help them think they came up with the idea.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Strong C#, SQL, C\/C++, client side scripting skill required<\/td>\n | We’re so behind schedule we’re not going | to ramp you up on our proprietary frameworks.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n UML, Design Patterns, Inheritance | and Encapsulation, Templates<\/td>\n You should be able to explain, why you need | to recode the bad code from scratch.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n Solid professional experience in object-oriented | software design and development<\/td>\n You should know what class reusability is and why | you’ll never get the chance to use this helpful feature.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n In-depth knowledge of advance language | concepts in Java and\/or C++<\/td>\n Your interview will include minutia that | Bjarne Stroustrup<\/a> would get wrong.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n Share this:<\/h3> |
![\"Why](\"http:\/\/www.apolo.net\/spicons\/post060315c.gif\")
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