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I am reminded of two commercials… Libby’s and Smuckers. Both finally were honest about the nature of brand-based advertising. In the case of the former the jingle went, “If it says “Libby’s, Libby’s Libby’s” on the “Label Label Label” you will “like it like it like it” on the “Table table table.” Smuckers took the direct approach; “With a name like Smuckers… it’s got to be good.”

Is the name really sufficient to identify something’s worth or quality? The classic “Saturday Night Live” had their response to the name making the Jam But in the 1970s… SNL had a driving and vicious look at the world that has only been rivalled of late by Jon Stewart on the Daily Show.

So in this worlds where we are seeing the war of Gay Marriage vs. Equal Marriage for all … words as always become weapons of mis-definition and weighted egregore. The great saint George the 14th (For those not keeping count that is George Carlin) said it best that…”There are no bad words… Bad thoughts… but no bad words.”

We use words to define and refine who we are. This can be either by single words that we try to master, own, re-direct, or any other number of verbs. My personal favourite will always be ‘slut.’ This word contemporarily still carries with it darkness or often an ugliness directed at a woman who enjoys having intercourse; often times with more than one partner. There is no gentle word for this behaviour for a woman in English. There is no gentle or even not-so-gentle word for the behaviour in a man. Though sadly, in a man it’s just behaviour that is expected and underwhelming when revealed.

These words can also be sentences, phrases, or oaths. Promises we make to ourselves or to others. I will be this way. I promise to do that thing. I resolve to lose twenty pounds in the New Year. And in truth we find ourselves fixated on the guilt when we either don’t live up to these phrases or worst condemn ourselves when we unconsciously or worse yet consciously break them with intent.

Sometimes we seek definitions to hinder, soften, or deflect other definitions. I am a heterosexual, white, and married male. Each of those words carry the weight of an entire polar opposite group who have members that avidly resent me just for having one of those. For each group represented by one of mine descriptors there are members that have committed (and still commit) great injustices. So, I deflect by finding comforting terminology that subdues each one. I actually consider myself a Queer, Jewish, Pair-Bonded, ummm… err… Okay… Now I mis-quote Meatloaf: “Three out of four ain’t bad.” Well, two out of four.. It’s never okay to admit Judaism… there’s still groups out there that think Semitic Genocide is still a good plan.

Queer? But you said you were hetero?!?! While I’m not going to go fully into my sexual views in this posting (as thanks to the Facebook revolution I now have active co-workers reading my blogs 😉 but suffice it to say; that I tend to view my views as avant-garde and often times challenging to the norm. This ability to see both sides of the line and to try to pull both sides closer has served me well as an ordained priest. Especially when offering pastoral counselling.

Priest? But you said you were Jewish!!! (And now I see the old Giggles and Goggles routine from the Electric Company. And please… This is a show that ran in the 70’s and 80’s. Any programme you saw from the last 5 years calling itself “The Electric Company“… Wasn’t even close. But look… we come back to the power of names and words.

My last post was about the change of my name. It’s interesting how people have reacted to it. There have been the obvious two camps. Those that knew me by my birth name and those that never knew me by that name. Society seems to not really have a strong acceptance for men changing their names at marriage. As I said before, it’s an interesting argument with civil servants who ask for my wife’s birth name but not mine. Of course there is one subset that does stand out, those that were there when the transformation began.

My name change happened outside before it happened on the inside. This is similar to the Watchman character of Rorschach who put on the name until one day something changed inside of him that made him change from being a man calling himself Rorschach to becoming Rorschach even out of costume. I can say with all honesty, The Greg calling himself Andrei was not a great person. He kind of sucked in many, many ways. There are those that probably would never be able to really accept the Andrei I am as I wear Greg’s face and carry the name Andrei. Again, the reference here is to an amazing two-part Doctor Who. The 2nd part “Family of Blood” really hammers home the idea of “The Doctor wearing an identity” while the identity itself has a life of its own.

Doctor Who also gives me another inspiration for this twisted web of the value of a word or name. In one episode we meet creatures that use the power of words to build, control, and destroy. Yet, when they try to use the name of a contemporary woman to kill her, it fails. She is merely rendered unconscious while the creature exclaims that ‘the name has lost its power and meaning to these people.” We’ve come a very far way from the worlds of “Earthsea” where people used public names because their secret names carried so much power over them.

Perhaps in reflection this is a possible reason why the Jews were so hunted and hated. Their entire language and alphabet is built on the Thoth-ian concept of the power of the word and the letter. The Hebrew alphabet is often referred to as the “Alephbet of Flame” as each letter looks like it was breathed out by the Old Testament God him-(white, male, straight)-self. The Hebrew Torah itself is copied by hand so that every letter looks and is placed exactly where it always is required to be. The deepest layers of Hebrew Mysticism come from the power of words and the numbers they represent.

So, while we wish to control words, we must also understand that words have power. A name can be as powerful an identifier as an epithet or slur. But power comes from within as well as from without. We can take on the power of a word as quickly as we can let ourselves be crushed by its weight.

Words are magickal creatures. They have a life and a power of their own. We keep them, we wield then, we use them, and we abuse them. But we have no choice… Words are the doorways to the unspoken magic that transcends the voice of creation and destruction. This is the magick that exists without sound or form. And when we unlock that power… maybe we won’t need words to cause each other harm.

Agape-

Andrei Greg and his two closest friends from grade school

Not quite 6 years; yet change is a constant.

On October 7th, 2010, I will celebrate an anniversary. Tangentially, it is related to my most amazing and loving wife with whom I share the dubious and Facebook-foisted dishonour of being labeled merely as “In an open relationship with.” I call it a dishonour because it’s not accurate. I’m assuredly married. If anyone were to try to mess with my marriage to Heather I’d assuredly take great offense. I don’t think open relationship is accurate either despite the fact that we are theoretically poly. I use the term theoretically because while we are in practice polyamourous and have carried on secondary relationships beyond our marriage, raising a child really does not give you much of a chance to date or form relationships. (I do not know how single parents do it!)

But as I said, this anniversary is only tangentially related to my wife and actually started 3, 5, 15, 43 years earlier. The anniversary is that on Oct 7, 2004. The California State Court issued my official decree of name change. This was the day that I laid Greg A. Tapolow to rest. Or so I thought at the time. Over the past year there have been some very interesting changes that once again cause me to look on the decisions and changes I’ve been through. And dear reader, less you panic, I have no intentions of changing it again… or back. Though as they say, “Never say never.”

The post was actually inspired by a letter I received this evening (of the writing of this post) from someone I knew briefly but not well in High School. “The marvels of Facebook.” People over 35 are no longer afraid of computers and everyone can find almost everyone. Everyone, of course, except for the one of two individualists who wish to hold out from the revolution much like Knox Overstreet merely to prove a point or by those who wish to blame Facebook for the loss of privacy that was in fact stolen away decades if not centuries ago. But I digress.

No really, a quick digression: I couldn’t remember the name of the character so I went to IMDB. There was a huge article on the casting of Carol Burnett in a show I really enjoy (Glee) and one thing led to another, and 45 minutes later and several web searches later, I closed my browser, saw this post and thought… Oh yeah… That’s why I opened a browser… Damned net. End digressions.

The E-mail talked to me about change and the estrangement from family; both of which I know all too well. Normally, when someone asks about my name change I have a simple link on LiveJournal that I send to him or her. (Ahh, LiveJournal… Remember when… No, no… not going there.) However, first I read over the 6-7 year old posts. This time they read very much as an incomplete book; it reads more like the early chapters alone. I suppose the change over the last year has definitely affected my views. At this point, I strongly suggest that if you haven’t read this link that you do so before continuing. Note: It reads best if you do so from the bottom post up to the top post.

Until about 6-9 months ago. Greg was a remnant to be discarded. He was someone that I paid lip service to as being my foundation but me being a changed person different from him. Up until 6-9 months I couldn’t or more properly wouldn’t speak his name. For a long time it was mental discipline. Thinking as an Andrei. Not thinking as an ex-Greg. I remember this time very much as I went through my own personal Liber Jugorum. Cursing myself everytime I turned and looked when someone called the name ‘Greg.’ Personally, I think the mental discipline can be done without self-mutilation.

I’m saying 6-9 months because there was a weekend where much changed in my life. It was very Dickensesque. In one weekend, my wife suffered her worst migraine, writhed in pain a lot, got introduced to the wonder that is vicodin and then I was contacted by my best friend from elementary school. And that weekend happened about a year in advance of the change 6-9 months ago. That however opened the floodgates.

I changed from Greg to Andrei to escape a very painful time in my memory. My father had a stroke when I was 11 years old. From that point forwards things in my household were never quite right again. For 11 years I’d been raised to be a spoiled rich kid with manners. I was the son of a prominent doctor in a small sub-suburb of Philadelphia. For the next 11 years things didn’t go as well. I would explain to folks that I’d spent a good bit of my late 20s and early 30s fixing the damage that had been done.

But what I failed to consider was those first 11 years. “Greg” to me had come to symbolise the damage of a decade or so and the repair that followed. It was also the closest thing. I’d moved to the West Coast, changed my name, and abandoned my estranged family (which for sanity reasons, has been an amazingly correct choice). I grew up. I felt I’d become a better person. But there was still the Greg who led a fairly well adjusted life as a child. And one person had called me on it.

My friend had found me on FB through a posting I made to a group for our rather small and private elementary school. He looked at the picture and instantly recognised me. For about 3 months there was a rush of enthusiasm to contact as many of the old group as possible. (I believe there’s got to be a slang term or sniglet for this phase) Over this time, I was reminded of who I was close to, who I didn’t know as well or specifically didn’t like. And of course the girl I (foolishly) adored who made my life miserable. There was also the girl that had I not been thick, would have realised from day one was absolutely the coolest person ever and potentially ended up dating her. (Too many stories there… long one short… she’s the one I got to see most recently and I’m thrilled to have her back in my life as a friend after 25 years)

These people knew a Greg that was a good person; a person who was taught to honestly say please and thank-you by age 4. By 4 I could read, spell, write very sloppily, and do simple math. (My son at three has far better penmanship than I ever will) So what was the magickal thing that happened within the last 12 months? Well, I think it was the last 12 months. I can’t for the life of me find a blog post on the topic. I really thought I wrote about it. Well… here it is.

With a wife living in Chronic Pain, A toddler, and a major layoff in 2009. (Eventually 2)… I was under a little bit of stress. Even before the layoff there was stress. I had a little bit of a crumble during this time and decided it was time to go back for counseling. Ironically the counseling started the Monday after the weekend of the migraine, vicodin, and FB contact.

Through most of my sessions, my name really never came up. Then at one point we talked about it. I inferred the name, I dodged the name, but in short, I refused to say the name and there was no good reason not to. I told her my full name. It was the first time I think I’d said the name aloud in about 8 years. (I could name the last time I’d said it aloud, but if I told you why, I’d have to kill you 😉 It was admittedly the death of me to do so.) It was odd saying the name. It was even odder talking not merely about Greg as another person, but taking the good parts of him back into me. The analyst suggest that I have a chat with Greg and find out what he’s been up to and how he feels about the whole thing. (Ah, just what I need Dissociative Identity Disorder… which some might say I already have)

I went home. Heather asked me how my session went. I looked at her and told her we’d been chatting about “Greg Tapolow.” Her jaw dropped. She’d never heard me speak the name in our entire relationship. It was a positive thing. It was the start of a new phase of my life. This phase, however, would ironically put me back in the den of the worst years of my life (early 20s) back in Pittsburgh.

Recently, I’ve taken more steps to … I guess the term would be ‘integrate.’ My FB profile now lists my “Maiden Name” (I really hate that term) I also especially hate government forms that ask for my wife’s maiden name but refuse mine. “Do you need mine?” No. “Well, why do you need hers?” Also, I’ve finally acquiesced to putting my birth name into my genealogy software. Users are supposed to be listed by their birth names (Which is REALLY going to piss of my cousins who changed their names when they were kids)

So now I talk about Greg. I’m still Andrei and really not planning a return. I will still correct people who call me Greg. I will still slack people who’ve known me since way before my marriage. It is however an interesting feeling to look back at the change I created and the motivation behind it. And how that’s changed from its original change.

I suppose no story is ever really complete until the last page.

P.S. Caleb – Does that answer your question or just create more? Feel free to send a friend request through FB for more chat.

Slice of Life by Gisele http://giseleart.com/

My social networking time has gone to hell. I think that’s readily obvious from the lack of frequency on this blog.

I suppose one could say that no news is good news. Or that the lack of postings indicates I have a vibrant and busy life.

They could say that; I think however my response would be, “Comme çi, comme ça” (assuming I have remembered how to spell my H.S. French.)

There is no patently ‘bad news’ at the moment. Work is settling in. Life is settling in. We’re even holding the rare social night. 1.25 nights a month. (You get a quarter/month night when you schedule poker on the 2nd and penultimate 4th Wednesdays.)

There are so many things just out of reach right now for a number of reasons.

First, and foremost is ‘move recovery’. Two cross country moves in two years is physically and mentally devastating. Including the move from Pittsburgh in 1998 and the return move this year I have moved 9 times in 12 years. I am told that 3 moves is equal to a fire that destroys everything you own. So I have done that 3 times. (And yet, my comic book collection survives) Personally, it is my plan (as usual) that this leap, was the leap home. Er… this move was the move home.

Second is the health and wellbeing of my family. I am as previously mentioned a care-giver for a person living in chronic-pain. On top of that, we are parents to an almost-four-year-old. And let me assure you… We take personal Will very seriously in our family. And our dear son (who really was born on 9/3) seems to have inherited both his parent’s penchant for being STRONG WILLED. Happily however, he is easily bribed by the reward system of giving him “Blue’s Clues.” Not the show, but awarding him 1/2 to a ful paw print “Clue” for good behaviour.

Work is keeping me busy. Last week I put in 3 10’s, an 8, and a 4. I also managed to walk down 19 flights of stairs twice during the week much to the amusement of my cube farm neighbor who is in stunningly amazing shape. I wish I could talk about the details about what I’m working on beyond… yes… I’m writing an iPhone app. Because “Mondo-Cool” doesn’t even begin to explain it. I can’t even tell people the cool code-name I came up with for a potion of the project because the name itself is an amazing give away if you try to solve the puzzle.

The overly-seasonable heat of the summer has also been a killer. As I inch my way through my early 40s I find that the heat really wears me down. I find I want to spend most of the time sleeping. Sometimes this includes work, but I’m pleased to announce that I have never slept on the job.

In town I’m beginning to ramp up my contacts. I have a few sitters that we’ve tried for Aiden. This seems to have gone well so far. (Someday, I will have to post about the hell that was my live in nanny when I was young who was hired in when my parents went to my father’s medical conferences.) I’m also preparing to start doing classes in my tradition again. There are so many local activities and people from my past and I’m currently farming thru which ones I actually want to bring back into my life. 12 years away gives one time to think and also to grow up a bit.

My metro Pittsburgh years were ages 19-30 and now I return at 42. There’s a HUGE difference in personal outlook when you return at that age.

I can’t think of much more now. I just wanted to get a post out there for the love of Pete. (A phrase which I’ve never understood) Now I just need to get my random stolen picture for the post. (Which, for Marcos’ benefit is in fact the now obvious way that I track hits rather than my pixel graphic)

I hope to come up with more soon. But saying that I will just makes me fall off the net for a while.

hrmnph. Must not be too stodgy.

*waves*

ZOMG Update

Short and sweet. From an online conversation today:

couchpotato

The Couch Potato

K:anything special going on this afternoon?

A:May go look at a gym (gulp)

K:oooOOOoooo… why the (gulp)?

A:Me + working out. RUN (away)

K:eh… not fond of running…

A:Me neither. thus the Gulp

K:so are you a classes kind of guy, or a work out on a machine by myself kind of guy?

A:I’m a sit on the couch and eat pringles while watching Science-Fiction kinda guy

Go ahead. Discuss

WWDC 2010 Predictions

General

  • The famed touch screen iMac will not occur until 10.7 which will not occur this year.
  • The ability to converge touch input like an iPad with a Mac will likely occur in new software/hardware products
  • BluRay will be announced in January ’11 and no sooner

Hardware

Mac

Minor/Quiet/No

Quiet means that there will be a change to stats but it will not be announced in the keynote

  • Xserve / Mac Pro (Tower) – Speed Bump (Quiet)
  • Mac Book Air – Speed Bump (Quiet)
  • iMac – Speed Bump (Quiet)
  • Laptops – No change

Major

  • NEW Mini – New features. Beginning to converge with AppleTV (Released 6/15)

Special

Mouse/Joystick/Trackpad

  • NEW Magic Trackpad. – Convergence of Magic Mouse and iPad. (Released 6/27)
    • Bluetooth

Apple TV

  • Beginning to converge with Mac Mini and iPhone
  • Runs iPhone 4 OS?
    • All Apps now synchable
  • DVR service with live TV
  • iPhone/iPad can act as VNC style remote
  • Magic trackpad (see below) can also act as a remote.

Monitors

  • NEW 27″ (Quiet) (Released 6/27)

Pod

  • Refresh of the line with speed bumps. No form changes (Quiet)

iTouch

  • NEW iPhone HD (We’ve seen most of the specs; no surprises)
  • NEW iPodTouch next gen. (camera – probably to canniblise old iphone hardware)

Software

iSoftware

  • iWork ’10 – Deeper connection to iWork – iPad
    • Better cloud document management.
    • Numbers introduces Pivot tables (MacBU goes to defcon 2)
    • iWork for Windows??? (Low odds… If so MacBU goes to defcon 1)
  • iLife ’10 – (Announced)
    • Final Cut extreme added to package?
  • iMedia ’10
    • Having gone after Office with iWork, Apple now starts to chip away at Adobe CS with movie, audio, and graphic editing tools

ProSoftware

  • Quiet feature bumps. Not the right event for these

Safari

  • Safari 5
    • Driving HTML 5, CSS 3 (Released 6/7)
    • Google Reader (NO)
    • Plug ins (YES)
    • Better JS (YES)
    • Cloud (See services) (NO)

OS

Mac

  • Mac OS 10.6.4 released (Released 6/15)
  • NO MENTION OF 10.7

iPhone

  • iPhone OS 4 released for iPhone (Released 6/21)
  • iPhone OS 4.5 announced (beta to attendees)
    • Hardware acceleration
    • iPhone, iPad, Apple TV
    • New Mac Mini?
    • Video Conferencing Apis
    • More backgrounding
    • Common file sandbox
    • App data interchange (TEAR DOWN THE WALL)
    • Cloud services API

Services

iWork.com

  • Becomes cornerstone of Apple Cloud services
  • Prevalent and tied into MobileMe and iTunes

Mobile Me

  • Now Free
    • Add on services (Mailbox quota, storage quota, etc)
  • Cloud access
  • Hardware tracker
  • Mail no longer beta

iTunes

  • There will continue to be NO Beatles on iTunes at this time
  • Cloud store your library
  • Recover all purchases (within licensing agreements)
  • More on Lala
  • Live TV DVR through Apple TV

iAd

  • Sessions on this with further info
  • Only summarised in Keynote

GameCenter

  • as iAd

<em>Updated 08.27.10 with releases post WWDC</em>