Category: Life


I am reminded of two commercials… Libby’s and Smuckers. Both finally were honest about the nature of brand-based advertising. In the case of the former the jingle went, “If it says “Libby’s, Libby’s Libby’s” on the “Label Label Label” you will “like it like it like it” on the “Table table table.” Smuckers took the direct approach; “With a name like Smuckers… it’s got to be good.”

Is the name really sufficient to identify something’s worth or quality? The classic “Saturday Night Live” had their response to the name making the Jam But in the 1970s… SNL had a driving and vicious look at the world that has only been rivalled of late by Jon Stewart on the Daily Show.

So in this worlds where we are seeing the war of Gay Marriage vs. Equal Marriage for all … words as always become weapons of mis-definition and weighted egregore. The great saint George the 14th (For those not keeping count that is George Carlin) said it best that…”There are no bad words… Bad thoughts… but no bad words.”

We use words to define and refine who we are. This can be either by single words that we try to master, own, re-direct, or any other number of verbs. My personal favourite will always be ‘slut.’ This word contemporarily still carries with it darkness or often an ugliness directed at a woman who enjoys having intercourse; often times with more than one partner. There is no gentle word for this behaviour for a woman in English. There is no gentle or even not-so-gentle word for the behaviour in a man. Though sadly, in a man it’s just behaviour that is expected and underwhelming when revealed.

These words can also be sentences, phrases, or oaths. Promises we make to ourselves or to others. I will be this way. I promise to do that thing. I resolve to lose twenty pounds in the New Year. And in truth we find ourselves fixated on the guilt when we either don’t live up to these phrases or worst condemn ourselves when we unconsciously or worse yet consciously break them with intent.

Sometimes we seek definitions to hinder, soften, or deflect other definitions. I am a heterosexual, white, and married male. Each of those words carry the weight of an entire polar opposite group who have members that avidly resent me just for having one of those. For each group represented by one of mine descriptors there are members that have committed (and still commit) great injustices. So, I deflect by finding comforting terminology that subdues each one. I actually consider myself a Queer, Jewish, Pair-Bonded, ummm… err… Okay… Now I mis-quote Meatloaf: “Three out of four ain’t bad.” Well, two out of four.. It’s never okay to admit Judaism… there’s still groups out there that think Semitic Genocide is still a good plan.

Queer? But you said you were hetero?!?! While I’m not going to go fully into my sexual views in this posting (as thanks to the Facebook revolution I now have active co-workers reading my blogs 😉 but suffice it to say; that I tend to view my views as avant-garde and often times challenging to the norm. This ability to see both sides of the line and to try to pull both sides closer has served me well as an ordained priest. Especially when offering pastoral counselling.

Priest? But you said you were Jewish!!! (And now I see the old Giggles and Goggles routine from the Electric Company. And please… This is a show that ran in the 70’s and 80’s. Any programme you saw from the last 5 years calling itself “The Electric Company“… Wasn’t even close. But look… we come back to the power of names and words.

My last post was about the change of my name. It’s interesting how people have reacted to it. There have been the obvious two camps. Those that knew me by my birth name and those that never knew me by that name. Society seems to not really have a strong acceptance for men changing their names at marriage. As I said before, it’s an interesting argument with civil servants who ask for my wife’s birth name but not mine. Of course there is one subset that does stand out, those that were there when the transformation began.

My name change happened outside before it happened on the inside. This is similar to the Watchman character of Rorschach who put on the name until one day something changed inside of him that made him change from being a man calling himself Rorschach to becoming Rorschach even out of costume. I can say with all honesty, The Greg calling himself Andrei was not a great person. He kind of sucked in many, many ways. There are those that probably would never be able to really accept the Andrei I am as I wear Greg’s face and carry the name Andrei. Again, the reference here is to an amazing two-part Doctor Who. The 2nd part “Family of Blood” really hammers home the idea of “The Doctor wearing an identity” while the identity itself has a life of its own.

Doctor Who also gives me another inspiration for this twisted web of the value of a word or name. In one episode we meet creatures that use the power of words to build, control, and destroy. Yet, when they try to use the name of a contemporary woman to kill her, it fails. She is merely rendered unconscious while the creature exclaims that ‘the name has lost its power and meaning to these people.” We’ve come a very far way from the worlds of “Earthsea” where people used public names because their secret names carried so much power over them.

Perhaps in reflection this is a possible reason why the Jews were so hunted and hated. Their entire language and alphabet is built on the Thoth-ian concept of the power of the word and the letter. The Hebrew alphabet is often referred to as the “Alephbet of Flame” as each letter looks like it was breathed out by the Old Testament God him-(white, male, straight)-self. The Hebrew Torah itself is copied by hand so that every letter looks and is placed exactly where it always is required to be. The deepest layers of Hebrew Mysticism come from the power of words and the numbers they represent.

So, while we wish to control words, we must also understand that words have power. A name can be as powerful an identifier as an epithet or slur. But power comes from within as well as from without. We can take on the power of a word as quickly as we can let ourselves be crushed by its weight.

Words are magickal creatures. They have a life and a power of their own. We keep them, we wield then, we use them, and we abuse them. But we have no choice… Words are the doorways to the unspoken magic that transcends the voice of creation and destruction. This is the magick that exists without sound or form. And when we unlock that power… maybe we won’t need words to cause each other harm.

Agape-

Slice of Life by Gisele http://giseleart.com/

My social networking time has gone to hell. I think that’s readily obvious from the lack of frequency on this blog.

I suppose one could say that no news is good news. Or that the lack of postings indicates I have a vibrant and busy life.

They could say that; I think however my response would be, “Comme çi, comme ça” (assuming I have remembered how to spell my H.S. French.)

There is no patently ‘bad news’ at the moment. Work is settling in. Life is settling in. We’re even holding the rare social night. 1.25 nights a month. (You get a quarter/month night when you schedule poker on the 2nd and penultimate 4th Wednesdays.)

There are so many things just out of reach right now for a number of reasons.

First, and foremost is ‘move recovery’. Two cross country moves in two years is physically and mentally devastating. Including the move from Pittsburgh in 1998 and the return move this year I have moved 9 times in 12 years. I am told that 3 moves is equal to a fire that destroys everything you own. So I have done that 3 times. (And yet, my comic book collection survives) Personally, it is my plan (as usual) that this leap, was the leap home. Er… this move was the move home.

Second is the health and wellbeing of my family. I am as previously mentioned a care-giver for a person living in chronic-pain. On top of that, we are parents to an almost-four-year-old. And let me assure you… We take personal Will very seriously in our family. And our dear son (who really was born on 9/3) seems to have inherited both his parent’s penchant for being STRONG WILLED. Happily however, he is easily bribed by the reward system of giving him “Blue’s Clues.” Not the show, but awarding him 1/2 to a ful paw print “Clue” for good behaviour.

Work is keeping me busy. Last week I put in 3 10’s, an 8, and a 4. I also managed to walk down 19 flights of stairs twice during the week much to the amusement of my cube farm neighbor who is in stunningly amazing shape. I wish I could talk about the details about what I’m working on beyond… yes… I’m writing an iPhone app. Because “Mondo-Cool” doesn’t even begin to explain it. I can’t even tell people the cool code-name I came up with for a potion of the project because the name itself is an amazing give away if you try to solve the puzzle.

The overly-seasonable heat of the summer has also been a killer. As I inch my way through my early 40s I find that the heat really wears me down. I find I want to spend most of the time sleeping. Sometimes this includes work, but I’m pleased to announce that I have never slept on the job.

In town I’m beginning to ramp up my contacts. I have a few sitters that we’ve tried for Aiden. This seems to have gone well so far. (Someday, I will have to post about the hell that was my live in nanny when I was young who was hired in when my parents went to my father’s medical conferences.) I’m also preparing to start doing classes in my tradition again. There are so many local activities and people from my past and I’m currently farming thru which ones I actually want to bring back into my life. 12 years away gives one time to think and also to grow up a bit.

My metro Pittsburgh years were ages 19-30 and now I return at 42. There’s a HUGE difference in personal outlook when you return at that age.

I can’t think of much more now. I just wanted to get a post out there for the love of Pete. (A phrase which I’ve never understood) Now I just need to get my random stolen picture for the post. (Which, for Marcos’ benefit is in fact the now obvious way that I track hits rather than my pixel graphic)

I hope to come up with more soon. But saying that I will just makes me fall off the net for a while.

hrmnph. Must not be too stodgy.

*waves*

ZOMG Update

Short and sweet. From an online conversation today:

couchpotato

The Couch Potato

K:anything special going on this afternoon?

A:May go look at a gym (gulp)

K:oooOOOoooo… why the (gulp)?

A:Me + working out. RUN (away)

K:eh… not fond of running…

A:Me neither. thus the Gulp

K:so are you a classes kind of guy, or a work out on a machine by myself kind of guy?

A:I’m a sit on the couch and eat pringles while watching Science-Fiction kinda guy

Go ahead. Discuss

When you log in on WordPress it has a checkbox that says, “Remember me.”

I haven’t posted here since the interview. As anyone left reading can tell.

There have been a few things that have contributed to this.

  1. From the time of the interview I had a verbal job offer within 2 days. I was in town for a week 2 weeks after, had 3 weeks to move, didn’t find a house, moved to an apartment and this weekend I’m moving into the house we finally found.
  2. We were initially unable to find day-care for my son. As a result; mom has been on full-time solo-parenting duty. Please see my post on being a care-giver to understand how wrecked she’s been in the evening.
  3. I’m back to full time work as of 3-4 weeks ago after being off work for about 4 months. With this not only comes the adjustment of rigourous work, but ramping up in new technologies. Well, old technologies but handled in new ways you’re expected to learn, grok,and take ownership of already.
  4. And least of all… I haven’t had much to say.

Moving back to the ‘Burgh has been good. I bus downtown. (I miss my afternoon busses usually by a minute). I’ve reconnected with a few people. Some of which I thought I’d never speak to again. One really nice lunch this week at Primanti’s with probably one of the last people I thought I’d enjoy a lunch with. And for the record. I wouldn’t mind lunching again or more regularly with this person.

I’ve been chatting with an old friend from my SCA/Pennsic days online. Many of my old friends from then are married and/or have kids. (Hell, I do) My one friend and I have been up talking often until midnight local time or later. Since I get up at 5:30 for work (I am working 7-3 to be home early)… this has left me a little groggy in the morning. But the conversation is wonderful. So, I expect those conversations to continue even if we adjust our curfews.

I’m hoping this little exercise will start to break down the mental block I’ve had about #4 above.

Initially any new posts may be short so I don’t overwhelm myself into not posting.

My amusing link for the week has been the anonymous crush meme at:

http://www.thiscrush.com/~lordandrei

So here’s a chance to humour me either publicly or privately, openly or anonymously.

More soon. *waves*

I enter the next chapter of my life today. The Earth merrily goes whizzing about the universe. Somewhere around 9:26 am local time this morning I will have travelled just over 24.5 billion miles through the universe. Actually, I’ve just been going around in circles… But that’s okay.

A smaller circle is about to close as well. After 4 months of unemployment and after my 2nd layoff in one year, I will return to work. My job takes me back ‘home’ to Pittsburgh. I do consider Pennsylvania my home. I wasn’t born there; I haven’t lived there in over a decade, but I lived there the longest.

The job is everything I could have wished for in a return to the Three River City. The pay is nearly triple what I made when I left the city. The job is at the top of Gateway Centre near the point looking out over the Allegheny River at the new stadiums. I am architecting software solutions from the ground up for the Mac platform; not as a simply shoehorn Windows port. I will likely work on Apple technologies across the board.

The employer moved VERY fast. I was told after each phone screen to not expect a response for 2-3 days only to hear back within hours. The tech screen was an amazing experience. I spent several hours (6) meeting and interviewing with the entire team in Pittsburgh on Wednesday. By that afternoon there was talk that there would be an offer. By the next day there was talk that contract was likely off the table. Today, two days later, there’s a full time offer and I start in 9 days.

My start will be a flight to Pittsburgh to orient, sign papers, get some initial work started and of course find a place to live. The entire family will be out for that trip and any and all help is warmly appreciated. Heather needs to fly back early for an important meeting. I haven’t begun to even make these plans yet.

I then telecommute in Missouri for three weeks while we organise the second full interstate move in one year. We have three weeks to tear down our life here and get it set back up in a yet to be discovered location in Western PA. Those are the dates.

Many people have asked me how the family feels about this. I’ll be honest. Heather was initially more eager. My reservations will come next. The reality is that leaving St. Louis will be hard. Aiden has settled in with a wonderful Montessori school and is now at the age where a move may be jarring to him. Heather has just found a Pain Management clinic (since her accident) that is actually beginning to manager her pain. We also have formed a VERY close bond to 2 families out here. Leaving them will be difficult. Granted… it really hasn’t been a greatly social life so we don’t really have more than about that.

For me, my last time in Pittsburgh was a time of growing up and shedding some very bad behaviours. It was a time of learning some truths about myself. I also lived through some incredible and often horrendous personal drama. Granted we’re looking at the ages of 16-30. I often look on my life in segments. 0-10 was normal, 11-20 I got broken, 21-30 I lived broken, 30-40 I did repair, 40 I approached normal. As you can see… My Western PA years weren’t my best.

But, partly to Facebook and mostly to the passage of time, I’ve mellowed and people I have known have mellowed and we’ve reconnected. For a while I was admittedly worried about visiting because I thought there were people actively looking to get back at me. We can call this “The paranoid delusions of youth.” Granted, when you’re chased out of Kings Court theatre by 3 guys that are twice your size… sometimes paranoia has its place.

In the past year I have reconnected (at least online) with people that I went to elementary school with in Eastern PA, with High School companions, with college classmates, and even a wealth of friends, ex-girlfriends, housemates, what have you; from those scary 20s. Translation: I think I may have buried all the hatchets out there.

Of course there is my blood family. Those who know me know that this is a can of worms that really explains my discomfort with worms. This is a situation that I found I cured by moving far away. I took on a name change to celebrate my new family. Personally, I wish I could tell the world I was returning and convince them I was moving to Istanbul. I don’t have any answers for this. It honestly scares me.

So, what else could have been the concern for me? “You can never go home.” Words, from one of my oldest friends from Pittsburgh. Someone I lost contact with for 11 years who I stumbled upon about 3 weeks before the job that would bring me back. We often referred to Pittsburgh as “The Gravity Well.” People couldn’t or more accurately wouldn’t leave. There’s a wonderful ‘blue-collar’ charm to Pittsburgh but some can see that as a detriment as well as an enhancement.

For a while when the job was first floated near me… I wondered if a return was a badge of failure. The perception was (to me) that I couldn’t make it in California or Washington or even Missouri (No offence to MO). But the truth I realised was just the opposite. I’d left to find my way into a profession that was entirely self-taught. I have a career that I learned from reading on my own and on-the-job experience. And now, I will get to practice that career in a building that I always looked up to as a college student/graduate and know that it was my ability and the truth of my place in my career that got me there.

It may not be a gold-plated garage in Silicon Valley or a show I am directing on Broadway; but it’s getting paid to do what I love around people that I do in fact love just as much. People I have missed. (Some people… not so much… but with a kid… you prioritise)

The adventure starts anew. I swore at the age of 8 that I would live to the age of 108. Well, more correctly I told my dad I wanted to live to see what became of America had it survived to the Tricentennial. My wife has asked for an extra 7 days so that I don’t pass before or on her birthday.

So let’s just call this exploration into my history as a ‘third-life’ crisis. And see where the next two lifetimes take me.

Hello Pittsburgh… I’m coming home . 🙂

P.S. This is the reason the blog has been quiet for a week or two. If you want specific details about my time in Pittsburgh house hunting, or to help, or to reconnect, or to connect… Email me at author’s link. Or by any of my social networking feeds.

See also: The Living Artist Blog on the same topic.