I have come to the conclusion that there is some force within LiveJournal that creates wondrous occurrences.
I will explain (No, is too long, I will sum up)
I have made some horrible mistakes in my like. It’s taken me a long time to grow up and in many ways I’m still growing… When i was younger I had a polyamourous lifestyle thrust on me. At the time I didn’t understand it and just sort of dealt with it. Since then (and many more mistakes later) I came to a conclusion. I understand it more now. For me (93 = YMMV) I realize that when you care about someone, just because they go away or it doesn’t work out, or what ever may happen…that doesn’t erase the good feelings or the bad feelings or the feelings you had for them.
This gets more tricky in situations where a breakup went badly for one reason or another or the breakup is still recent. You learn how to gauge the feelings and memories. I remember after a breakup my friends were more bitter about my ex than I was. I was angry at bad memories but not really at the person. They were (at the time) angry at the person….Or at least they were in my presence.
So time passes. You think more about how the people that were in your life are doing and hoping the best for them. But still the relationship moves into something that is both like and unlike a friendship. You do a semi-graceful dance trying to find the right topics to talk about while fearing you don’t stumble over the topics that may be inappropriate or cause the history that was there to flow down the wrong path.
If enough time passes, you’ve changed enough that maybe you won’t make the same mistakes and you can even talk to people you thought would never want to hear from you again. In that way I am blessed that I have few people that I have so immensely pissed off that they never want to speak to me again.
So where am I today? Today another lost person from my life has re-entered it. As a friend? It’s far too soon to say anything like that. It’s someone i know and have known…so as a result, it’s someone I at least care enough to hope there well-being is good.We chatted today. For the first time in many years. Humourously and honestly at first we talked about the weather. No really, that was where we started. But we have common interests and talked about them. It was a good talk. It reminded me that I did remember the good things about this person.
I look forward to talking more with this person. We’re both good dancers, I figure we won’t trip each other up too much if we get to close to the bad subjects. So do I have a renewed friendship? No, I have an acquaintance. The person is different from the person I knew. Whether a friendship occurs over time is between the two of us. (And, as I’ve learned, no one else). At least now, I have someone else with common interests and addictions (Buffy…must watch Buffy) to talk to on occassion.
The rest is simply dancing. And if there was one good memory…we are both at our best when dancing.
-A (For those that know that my middle name is not Andrew)
P.S. I think I can now listen to Murray Head again without getting a twinge of melancholy 🙂