Today, for the second time in a year my friend got me to cry.
I don’t remember what it was that pushed me over the edge. But I learned something about myself…or at least accepted the knowledge about something.
I seek outside validation on everything.
This is a hard thing to realize and acknowledge. Because it shows me that I don’t have a lot of faith in my own actions or words. i realize that I tend to lose site from time to time that this is my journal, my words, my thoughts. For better or worse they are mine. I have offended many people wth my words. These entries are for me. Self-serving and self-indlulgent. Yup fully aware of this.
Not always intentionally, but truth be told… they are my words. I have lashed out in anger at people and done and said some truly horrible things. Things that I don’t believe in, but said in the hopes they would hurt. An in truth… they don’t help. Those things only make you angrier at yourself.
I told my friend today that one of my goals was probably motivated by all the wrong reasons. I want to become fit, trim, lean, muscular, and all around good looking. I think the motivation was to physically transform myself into one of those people that I hated so much as a teenager. Beautiful, distant, aloof, and superior to all those under me.
It’s not a good motivation at all. But in truth I realize…if that is the reason… I’m not superior to anyone.
I’m afraid of my own words. I have this grand belief that my words will inevitably bring up the need for clean up. And in truth I really need to cut that out. And it’s been a vicious and hard journey. I have this ridiculous need to prove myself and yet I keep trying to do this on the merits of someone else’s evaluation.
There’s more but I can’t find the words. I need to keep feeling and looking.
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Validation..
Everyone in some respects want validation. They want to believe that others see things in them that they are either (1) too afraid to see or (2)Are just so oblivious to see that they need someone else to tell them. It’s human to feel like this. However, you do need to be strong and stand behind yourself and know what you believe and who you are. You need to know what your words are and why you use them. Words can hurt just as bad as sticks and stones. No matter what your mother used to tell you. hang in there bro and I’ll always listen. I’ll always be here for you.
I know that I don’t always know where I’m going or what exactly I believe and I often seek “approval” from other people. It’s a cycle that is very hard to break, but with work it can be done. Trust me.. I’m on that road myself.
*hugs*
As I said yesterday, I understand where you are better than i’m proud to admit and it has taken me forever to even let myself trust that i’m doing okay without relying on external validation a little bit.
I have this ridiculous need to prove myself and yet I keep trying to do this on the merits of someone else’s evaluation.
Remember what I told you about my last year or so. I have spent so much energy and time proving to other people that i’m not a loser any more that i’m exhausted and terrified that i’m going to drop something important. I’ve managed to drop little things here and there and i’m not happy with that either. I finally realised that the only person that really cared about me proving myself was me and that there are people that will never accept that i’m competent, intelligent, functional, and generally a good person. Fuck them hard up the ass with a mace, I say.
I love you dearly, and you know this. You also know that i’m here when you need me. Use that.
*hug*
i am all over you with that one. i know that i still feel this way. the need for validation. i see it just about everything i do. which pisses me off, and i keep trying to overcome it, but it doesnt seem to work.
i, like fiannaharper said, seem to constantly trying to prove to everyone that i am not a loser, even though underneath it all i still feel like one. and even though people tell me that i am not, and that i am cool/sexy/great whatever, it never seems to sink in. for some reason i cant seem to believe it. which is probably why i seem to always seek approval and attention.
i am here for you, always will be, even when i go across the world, i will still be here for you.