Wednesday evening. (06.03.22) I did something for the first time in nearly 10 years.
I auditioned for a theatrical show.
I haven’t talked about Theatre much on this journal. Which is something I’m now noticing as Ironic. I think part of the reason I discovered I was poly was a realization early on.
One of my first major Girlfriends asked me, “Do you love me more than anything in the whole world?” and I answered, “No.”
The GF was obviously taken aback.
I looked at her and said, “My first love is Theatre. I am sorry. You’ll have to understand that about me now. I can’t explain it or understand it any more than I can explain why I’m drawn to you. But if it came down to a wrestling match where you’d make me choose… I don’t think you’d win.”
I’d dated a woman in college who I’d met through the SCA. She sat me down at one point and laid down the law for me. She said there were 3 things that I’d need to fix to make me the perfect boyfriend.
1) I needed to stop cheating on her.
Interestingly, it would be 5 years from then before I’d ever ‘cheated’ She was jealous that I had a female friend who was important to me.
2) I needed to dump that SCA crap and get away from all those freaks.
3) I needed to forget about all this silly theatre stuff and get a real job.
So obviously we broke up.
Sadly overtime her curse/wishes came true. All three. And I regret every one of them… In the case of 2… It wasn’t the SCA.. It was letting someone tell me which friends and companions were right or wrong for me.
In the case of 3… I let theatre get away from me.
I remember when it came back to me. I remember when the ghost of what I was looked me in the idea and said, “You remember who you are?” I went to see the film Chicago. I wasn’t really familiar with the show.. but the film looked good.
Stunning film. Loved it. Was depressed for 4 days, sobbed to myself that night.
The SCA satiated it a bit. Well, as long as I stuck to Shakespeare, nothing else was really taken to seriously. The OTO satiated it a bit. As long as I stuck to liturgical texts and seeeeeecrit rituals.
All the while… thinking… “You know, some day, I’m going to direct Noises Off.”
Then came Rent. When I first got introduced to the soundtrack… it didn’t move me. I didn’t know the story of La Boehem. It just didn’t click. Then I listened to it more. Then I figured out what it was about. And then I remembered my own time as the young film maker living on my own in squalor, walking away from my family, detaching from the world, looking for my voice.
I remember sneaking to my home town after failing out of college and spending the weekend with friends who were pretty much on the same social level of low money and establishment resistance. Right down to taking a close friend, an unwed pregnant mother to the local hospital after we’d all been up all night long and an argument with an ex had given her a fear and symptoms of a premature labour.
I saw Rent. And good or bad.. it’s a part of who I am. But it didn’t pop the bubble.
I’d been doing rituals in L.A. OTO but… the flash of the city just didn’t connect me to theatre. I don’t want to say they were bad… many rocked mightily. I moved up here and took part in a rite. Probably the most lines I’ve had in a long time in a script. The process was long and arduous. At times I doubted my own process…but stayed at it. The Show must Go on (An interesting story or two from my past)
This was interesting because months earlier we’d had a karaoke night. If anything would have driven me back in theatrical process that night did. But this was different. There was an audience. A big audience. There was an incompetent theatre critic there. The performance was fulfilling. But in a way that opened flood gates.
Wednesday I auditioned for a potentially professional workshop show. I read script, I sang a few things. (Yes, I willingly sang). I did puppetry. I made the folks at the table laugh. The director looked at me at one point and said, “You’re really good.” (Note to directors… Never do this during an audition 😉 I walked out feeling like I’d nailed the audition.
Now, granted.. in the past 12 months, I’ve walked out of about 10 on site interviews and phone screens thinking I’d nailed them… And I didn’t. And it got under my skin… a lot.
It honestly doesn’t matter if I got this or not. I went back to something that makes me feel like absolute me… 100%. And it felt good… and it felt right.
The show? I think it may actually interfere with every plan I have in June. It’s really not likely that I’d be able to accept the role because it actually rehearses during potential work hours. Which kinda bums me…. but at the same time… It’s not the only show holding auditions in the Seattle Metropolitan area…
It’s just the first one that I’ve gone to… And it’s not the last… And this too is why I am loving life.